Matchme.com

©2003 (From the collection of short stories: “Not In Your Life”)

What’s going on out there? Many of my friends, now entering the single scene for the second or third time, have repeatedly asked me this question. Having written on dating after divorce (see “Soul Mate Survivor” 1999) I thought it was time to revisit the subject to see how the Internet has changed things. It was eye opening.
When I first started exploring the dating scene after divorce seven years ago, the Internet was too new and many of the dating sites were raw and unrefined. Today, dating services seem antiquated, personals come across as desperate and the only people my friends can introduce me to are their baby sitters. Online dating seems to be the answer.
So who’s on line? What are they looking for? And how easy is it really to meet your future SO?
I was about to find out. Now, for privacy reasons, I’ve changed all of the names, including the service I joined. What’s unchanged are the profiles, my inquiries and the responses they generated.
For a mere 26 bucks, I joined Matchme.com with all the anticipation of a schoolboy expecting to be picked first for a dodge ball team. This was going to be great, women who have outlined their wants and needs matched up to my wants and needs. I registered as: citykidchicago. Now, I know I’m going to get a lot of hits because of this article. Probably some death threats as well. But dating is risky in this day and age. And writing about it even riskier.
Here’s the study. I approached this like a party scene. If a woman—or in this case here profile—caught my eye, I responded. Like the party scenario, I tried to introduce myself in the least, non-threatening way. Innocent, just testing the waters, kind of messages. I sent out 30 introductions. I only heard back from 5 women. That means that at the Matchme.com party, 25 women rudely turned their backs and walked away without saying a word. Ouch, now that made me feel rejected. That is until I started actually getting responses. For sake of space and time, I will focus only on those who responded. First, here’s me:

MATCHME: citykidchicago
Laughing Matters
Second City grad, dabbled in standup, I've made a career out of comedy and writing. Quirky, funny I'm always looking for the subtle differences in things. There's comedy everywhere and I choose to see the humor in life. I'm comfortable with long walks, biking and camping. Basically, outdoor activities are my preference, but I can and do dress up for charity events and romantic evenings out. I love Celtic music and can often be found at the Irish Oak taking in a weekend band. I'm looking for someone who lives for the now and isn't afraid of life. I'm sensitive, caring and enjoy a good conversation as much as I do just quite contemplation. Life's entertaining, let's go have some fun.

Here’s who I’m looking for:
Who are you?
You love life and laughing. You are capable of seeing the lighter side of things and don't take yourself too seriously. Spontaneity is a way of life. You have a common sense about you. Saturday mornings can mean anything from a drive to the country to quite coffee in a cafe. From biking along the lakefront to just curling up and talking. You're well read but not necessarily contemporary fiction, you love history and non-fiction. A good conversation fascinates you. You do your own thing and at the same time appreciate the company of your SO. You're not afraid of intimacy while at the same time respect yourself and your partner. You appreciate honesty and expect the same in return.

Yeah, pedestrian, but my intent was to be broad and at the same time honest about what I enjoy and appreciate. Now there’s also a questionnaire that covers a variety of points too numerous to mention. Salary, political and religious views, kids/no kids, height, body style. The kind of standard stuff that you can either see or take in within a short conversation at a party. There’s also a picture. Yep, I put one up. Not necessarily the most flattering, but not that bad either. It was a wintertime pool party at Corner Pocket (on Halsted—great bar, fun people). I was sporting a beard at the time (now gone) and am dressed casually. I could have used a shot of me in a tux accepting a creative award for writing taken two months later, but that seemed pretentious.
I decided to let Matchme.com’s “connect” service pick the most likely matches. I got 12 pages of ten matches each—pretty impressive for a 10-mile radius of my ZIP code. The service also gave me a percentage of match, the highest being 100% and dropping off to around 82%. Since I was putting a picture out there I decided to only answer those who had the courage to do the same.
What follows then are the top people I selected as a good match. I have not altered their profiles. Misspellings, run-on sentences and grammar are all left as I found them.
My first page of 10 revealed one very cute smile.
MATCHME: singular614:
Make me laugh
I love to laugh until my belly aches. I'm appropiate almost all of the time, but once in a while the sillyrebellious side can sneak out and do the unexpected. So, don't be surprised, just go with it and it'll be a lot of fun. I'm a mix between the East and the West, motion and rest, impulsive and reflective. I'm sincere and true to myself and try to do the right thing and be a good person. So, if you like the versatility and the range and not afraid to be a bit outside of the box, we should talk.
Who are you?
I know that my soulmate and Prince Charming is out there, he's just a little "directionally challenged" and hasn't found me yet. He is in touch with his feelings and not afraid to communicate them. He wellcomes changes but his integrity does not falter. He communicates with an intend to understand rather than dissect and analyze. Etc..

I decided “singular614” would be my first response. She certainly sounded like fun and from her picture, she was really cute. Yeah, this is a woman I want to meet.

REPLY: singular614
Your smile caught me. When I read your profile and realized you were all about the comedy, well I couldn’t resist. I’ve re-directed myself and am setting a course for a dialogue with you. I look forward to hearing from you.
David

All that was left was to hit the send key. My cursor hovered. I questioned myself. What are you doing? Is this really the way to meet women? There was only one way to find out. With a gentle push of my index finger I introduced myself to singular614. I anxiously waited for a reply. That was in May, at this writing in mid-July, I have yet to receive a response from singular614. Maybe her bellyache turned into something more severe.
But I wasn’t going to sit around and wait, I moved on to a delightful head of curls.

MATCHME: brbcdr
Independence Dame
Been a little cranky for a few years since that house fell on my sister. But, I am finally getting over it. I have been told by various men that I am very independent. And that I work and travel a lot. I live and work in the city, and am always up to something. I love my job and in my free time I love to cook, garden, spend time with friends, yoga and running and of course, the ultimate, shopping. I am not looking for a man to lean on, but, rather, someone who adds another dimension to my already happy life.

Who are you?
It's pretty important to me that you are not an ex-convict or on a current crime spree. Employed is generally a good thing too. Very important that you do not take yourself too seriously. I am seeking a male that is energetic, not needy, likes to spend time together but also independent. Someone who has his own life and interests, but would not mind adding something to them. Most importantly, I would like to meet someone who truly sees, appreciates and enjoys the funny and ironic sides of life.

She was a 100% match. I could do no better. brbcdr felt right. She was going to be the one.

REPLY: brbcdr
I have to admit you sound funny and energetic as well as independent. My only concern, how do you qualify “employed?” I’m a freelance writer…I only know I’m employed when the residual checks arrive. Other than that, no real criminal record to speak of, although I was considering a career in politics at one time…I’d love to hear from you…especially if I can buy your vote.
David

Not sidesplitting comedy, but it was charming. I was demonstrating a sense of humor. Little did I know I was opening the back door to some demonic charm school.

Two days later:
REPLY: citykidchicago
I went to your profile and the only thing funny I found was your picture. Why did you see us as a match anyway? Never mind, I jusst a soon not here from you again.

Ouch, I think I’ve just been rejected by a Manson Family member. Dignity prevented me from sending a follow up response, though I was itching to tell her that I saw us as a match because I was in dire need of some bitch to hen peck me for the rest of my life. I’d say the house fell on the wrong sister.
So much for the 100% matches. Maybe if I let my standards slip a notch to 99% I’d meet a normal woman who could appreciate a quick smile and witty repartee.

MATCHME: pstheresmore
More about the laughs
I love to laugh and have a very positive attitude about life. I am divorced with no children and work downtown. I love everything about the city - the restaurants, the culture (museums, galleries, opera etc), sporting events (I am a big baseball fan), outdoor dining, summer festivals and the lakefront. I enjoy good food and wine, trying new restaurants and new types of food. I try to stay healthy and work out 3/4 times per week, but I don't let it consume my life. I have a great sense of humor, can take it as well as I give it out. People say I am pretty easy to get along with and am usually smiling or laughing. Life is too short not to enjoy to the fullest - and I try to incorporate that philosophy into my life.

Who are you?
Someone who makes me laugh and knows how to treat a woman. Someone who makes the effort to take care of himself physically, yet can still have a good time. Someone who is comfortable dressing up to go to dinner, yet can throw on a pair of jeans to go to a ballgame. This person should also have a good sense of humor, like to have a good time and share my positive attitude about life.

She mentioned laughing or humor five times. Could this be the woman of my dreams? Judging by her picture, she’s very attractive and she seems like someone I could just hang with indefinitely.

REPLY: pstheresmore
It sounds like there’s a lot more! I really enjoyed reading your profile. I think if nothing else, we could begin a humorous email dialogue and see what evolves. I look forward to hearing from you as much as I look forward to hearing your laughter.
David

I didn’t have to wait long. But it wasn’t laughter I heard. Late in the afternoon I got this response.

REPLY: citykidchicago
Are you some kind of psycho? I read your profile and you didn’t mention a thing about baseball. How you could imagine that we could ever be a match is beyond me. Although, you did miss my laughter…when I looked at your picture.

Pandora lives! I’m starting to really develop a complex here. I’m now beginning to appreciate the rudeness of the majority of women who didn’t respond because they saved me from the agony of total, in your face rejection. It’s almost like I’ve selected abused women whose only goal is to inflict cruelty on all of mankind. The poor dumb bastard who ends up with one of these women has few choices beyond suicide. I mean, I’m really depressed about this. I’d rather join a holy order of celibate monks than respond to one more Internet Medusa.
I call my friend Cathy for a little pep talk.
“You’re not ugly, will you stop,” she says while preparing power point presentation for one of her marketing clients. “I have your picture in my office, from that time we took the boat cruise? Remember, the architectural thing-am-a-giggy?”
“That was fun…”
“Yeah, and you looked hot. David, listen these women are all psychos. Why else are they looking for their perfect Adonis online? Because they’ve pissed off all the men they’ve met in person.”
“Yeah, but they can’t all be bad…can they?”
“Listen, you want a woman to talk nicely to you, you want some one to appreciate who you are, to laugh at all your jokes?”
“Ideally…”
“Then call an escort service. You’ll spend less money ‘cause you won’t be blowing it on women who just want to see how much they can dig you for. And the sex will be better.”
“How do you know…”
“Would you hire an beautician to rewire your house? No, you want things done right you go to a specialist. Online dating is for shut-ins.”
Cathy always had a way of putting things succinctly. But I had the idea for this article and so pressed on.
This time I randomly selected someone by their picture. Superficial, yeah, but I learned from studying psychology that the universal rule isn’t “do unto others as you would have done on to you” but rather, “do on to others as you have had done on to you.” It was my turn to pick someone based solely on looks. And at the very top of the third page was a very attractive candidate.

Matchme: CiceroSiren
Open To Possibilities
I am open-minded, warm, friendly and compassionate. I'm a great listener and a loyal friend-always there for the important people in my life. I like witty conversation and challenging my mind and have a great sense of humor. I enjoy biking along the lakefront, going to movies (especially independent films), listening to live music, yoga and working out. I also enjoy eating at ethnic restaurants and I love to travel (last year I went to Hudson Bay and Equador and also spent a week skiing in Van Couver). My goal is to visit every county in the world at least once. I also like relaxing at home with a good book or a movie from Blockbuster. I grew up in Chicago and Los Angeles and also spent a semester living abroad in London during law school. If the opportunity presented itself I would love to live abroad again. I enjoy my work but I am willing to make room in my life for a relationship.

Who are you?
Someone who is adventurous, high-spirited, energetic and has a great sense of humor. He is also athletic, open-minded, intelligent and able to communicate his thoughts and feelings. He enjoys his work and his hobbies and has a positive attitude toward life. Someone who genuinely cares about other people and who is willing to make a relationship a priority in his life.

Though I didn’t believe she would ever actually visit every “county” in the world, she sounded interesting. Okay, she didn’t sound all that interesting but she at least didn’t sound like they type of woman who would be rude. She’s open minded…she was a goddamn lawyer. They’re never rude. She would at least respond politely.

REPLY: CiceroSiren
I have to admit, what caught my eye was your perfect smile. Going further to read your profile, I was intrigued by a woman of adventure. Well, this could be a fun escapade. I would like to get to know you better. I look forward to hearing from you.
David

I had decided that by ending every email with my name I was at least attempting to establish trust. By giving a prospect my name, I was revealing a little bit more about myself. Turns out, this had nothing to do about trust.
A reply arrived three days later.

REPLY: citykidchicago
Are you some down and out actor? Second City? Standup comedy? A writer? Your picture looks like your waiting tables somewhere. I deal with deadbeats everyday as a lawyer, I haven’t got time to date one. And your bald…where do you get off emailing me?

This from a lawyer? Hey, CiceroSiren, listen, take that huge paycheck you’re earning and run out and buy a dictionary! And while you’re at it, your grammar could use a bit of polishing. Something tells me you’re going to be spending a lot of time in divorce court pleading your own case. Look, I may be bald, but I’m not malicious. I’ll bet you run up to cripples and make fun of their wheelchairs.
One more chance…I decided to find one more person. Like Sodom and Gomorrah, I was determined to find one decent woman. She was out there I scrolled down the page.
I discovered Emily about half way down. She was only a 98% match but, well I’m a sucker for her name and I loved her photograph.

emily773
Are you up for the challenge?
I know who I am, what I want, and who I am looking for but that doesn't make expressing it any easier in this...hmmmm... uninspired online form. Friends describe me as sharp as a tack, quick on my feet, a charmer with an attitude...but, I get away with it because of my great smile and heart of gold. Actually, I consider myself grounded and passionate. I love the outdoors - hiking, camping, biking and spending time at the lakefront. I am a sort of twisted romantic...give me “When Harry Met Sally,” a glass of Merlot and a box of Raisenetts and I am in heaven. But leave it to Monty Python to bring out my devilish and slightly quirky sense of humor.

How she describes her ideal match
Two important attributes of any date of mine must be intelligence and a sense of humor. We have varied interests but similar ideals. I am a true blue liberal and appreciate others with a penchant for a progressive and flexible worlview. If you think I am the wittiest person you've ever met, we'll get along just fine. Back on the subject of ideals...I enjoy meeting people who are kind, compassionate toward others, somewhat silly, passionate and persuasive, but not rigid in their opinions. I am looking for a partner in crime...a challenge...a spark.

I rolled the dice again. With fingers crossed, I typed my introduction.
REPLY: emily773
You want a sense of humor, you want intelligence? I think I can handle that…but are you up for the challenge?

You’re also looking for kind and compassionate toward others? Let’s see, just this morning I rerouted the floods in Texas, planted a forest of trees devastated in the Colorado fires and still had time to attend a wine tasting on the off-chance I have an opportunity to impress a date with my vino skills. As far as “are you the wittiest person I’ve ever met?” Well, let’s meet and find out.
David

All right, this has got to get better. I can’t strike out all the time. My friends love me…they don’t think I’m a hideous freak. Oh sure, I catch them laughing behind my back but that’s usually because I’ve sat in something.
Several days later, I got an email from matchme.com. I had a response from emily773. I just felt this was right. I said all the right things. I just had a good feeling about her. Besides, I just love the name. Sure that’s no excuse for a lasting relationship, but come on, how could anyone named Emily be cruel?

REPLY: citykidchicago
You think you’re funny? People died in Texas and Colorado. That’s not funny. Yuck. It’s insensitive idiots like you that ruin the internet for everyone else. And shave, you look like a wooly mamoth.

Two things Emily, start watching Leno, Letterman or the Daily Show, and borrow CiceroSiren’s goddamn dictionary.
That’s it. I stopped checking the available women that matchme.com said I was a match with. 12 pages of ten women each and I barely got to page three. I’m curious, is this just Chicago arrogance or has this distemper infected the entire country? I’m tempted to try other ZIP codes but I’m not sure if I can handle rejection from Ohio or Nebraska. I closed out the account and figured I was better off meeting women the old fashion way…I grabbed a copy of the Chicago Reader and turned to the escort ads.